“Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.” ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
Election season is almost upon us. Run for your lives.
Just kidding, of course. Politics is a natural, if somewhat harmful, by-product of democracy. Think of politics as the mess under the feet of a free society.
In any case, the presidential candidates are already jumping into the race (when they’re not in the courts). We could be looking at a rematch of the 2020 campaign, but a number of GOP challengers are hoping to change the dynamic. It won’t be long before candidates for lesser positions also begin to make their own ambitions known.
As the months roll into the next election season, the rhetoric will heat up, charges and accusations will fly like chaff in the wind, ads will begin to clog the airways, and campaign workers will begin handing out all kinds of of pieces related to the elections. from flyers to football schedules, in any public gathering bigger than an old man playing solitaire in the park. And indeed, this upcoming presidential race may involve two old men, but that’s a story for another day.
To help simplify your upcoming election season, as a public service I’ve developed a political translator (patent pending). I know it looks like an old transistor radio. That’s because it is, but with a few key modifications. Point this device at a political candidate or their representative, and it will take what is said and translate it into what it really means.
OK. Now, let’s take a random list of phrases that will be uttered by and about political candidates in the 69 weeks between now and Election Day 2024, and let the translator do its thing.
“He’s his own man.” He’s an independent thinker, listening only to his conscience, and his campaign manager, his chief of staff, his biggest contributor, his media strategist, his chief fundraiser, his pollster , his barber, his personal valet, his golf buddies, his housekeeper and his wife.
“He is a man of great moral fiber.” He hasn’t been caught yet (well, he hasn’t been convicted, anyway).
“Voters can identify with him.” He has more money than several thousand of his constituents combined, he wouldn’t walk into a Walmart if forced to at gunpoint, he thinks anyone without two or three houses and a private jet is disadvantaged, and he thinks NASCAR is kind of eye makeup
“He will not back down to special interest groups.” no sir He won’t back down. He will bend over backwards to kiss his own neck if told to, but he won’t back down.
“He has a clear vision for our future.” His vision for our future is as follows. We listen to what he has to say, lift him up like kittens in a bucket of milk, and vote him out, making sure he won’t have to get an honest job for the next four years.
“I’m going to fight the awakening.” I’m going to struggle to stay awake during town hall meetings with my mouth-breathing constituents.
“This campaign will focus on the issues.” I’ll figure out what you want to hear and give it to you. I promise to cut taxes, cut spending and rid the world of athlete’s foot if I think that will get you to vote for me.
“The future of our children is at stake.” My children’s future is at stake. If I lose this election, Biff will have to give up polo and Muffy’s dreams of becoming the first at her online charter school to wreck a Maserati will be dashed.
“Are you better off today than you were two, four or six years ago?” Who cares, I’ve been working steadily all these years and it’s been great, thanks.
“I’ve never believed in polls.” The latest numbers show I’m being run over. If I ever move forward, I will believe in surveys again.
“We still have a lot to do.” I spent the entire last term trying to get re-elected. Vote for me again and I promise to try to do at least one constructive thing during the next term, if it suits me.
“People will vote with their hearts.” Thank God they won’t vote with their brains. If they did, I’d have as much chance of being elected as Bill Cosby has of being named pope.
“No dream is beyond our reach.” If a lazy, talentless, brainless putz like me can get elected, anything is possible. Next thing you know, Markwayne Mullin (no relation) will be challenging a union leader to an MMA cage fight (oh wait, that actually happened).
“Let’s give the streets back to our criminals.” We will get them off the streets by putting them in public office.
On second thought, maybe it’s better not to know what our political candidates are actually saying.
Mullin is an award-winning writer and columnist who retired in 2017 after 41 years with the News and Eagle. Email him at janjeff2002@yahoo.com or write to him at Enid News & Eagle at PO Box 1192, Enid, OK, 73702.
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Mullin is an award-winning writer and columnist who retired in 2017 after 41 years with the News & Eagle. Email him at janjeff2002@yahoo.com or write to him at Enid News & Eagle at PO Box 1192, Enid, OK, 73702.
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